Wednesday, September 24, 2014

548 Days....


 


Tomorrow marks a year and a half since Mom went to Heaven.  It is hard for me to fathom that it has been 548 days since I have heard her voice or seen her smile.  Its hard for me to grasp at times that I will never again see her on this earth.  It is hard for me to accept that I will have to live out my days without my Mom's advice guiding me through.  There are days that I will admit I am still in denial.  I know that sounds crazy, but sometimes I allow myself to think that I am just not seeing her because she is 280 miles away.  On some days- that helps me feel better.


This time of year is bittersweet for me.  I love fall and the holidays.  We have three birthdays in one week in October- we turn around twice and it is turkey day and then Christmas!  The reason I say it is bittersweet is because Mom was always here for my son's birthday and we always went to visit for Thanksgiving and Christmas if time would allow.  She made every holiday special from the time I was little until she went home to be with the Lord.  Each holiday brings a reminder that she is gone.


I have people tell me- oh you are so strong!  You are handling this so well!  Well - looks can be deceiving.  Today I am a girl who wants her mother so badly.  I want to curl up into a ball and just cry but I can't.  I want her back.  I need her.  I miss her.  I know it is not possible but it doesn't change how I feel.  On days like today I have so many questions that I will never get the answers to.  Silly things that you only talk to your Mom about.  More important issues like parenting, marriage, and life in general.  I want to listen to her tell me about her day and how she is doing.  What I wouldn't give to hear her say- "ok first I am going to vent and then it will be your turn".  Things that people take for granted every day- I admit I took it for granted too.

Please don't mistake this post to mean I am losing it or that I want people to feel sorry for me.  Most days - I am great.  Most days I have a smile on my face and carry on without the "great sadness".  Today is just one of those days that I don't want to.  That is what a grief journey looks like.
It is a rollercoaster of emotions- up and down- up and down.  But I will be o.k. I promise.

Weeping may tarry for the night but joy comes with the morning. Psalm 30:5b




Tomorrow is a new day.





So Mom- I have a few questions for you.  See you in my dreams.






"Dancing In The Sky"
Dani and Lizzy
 
What does it look like in heaven?
Is it peaceful? Is it free like they say?
Does the sun shine bright forever?
Have your fears and your pain gone away?

'Cause here on earth it feels like everything good is missing since you left
And here on earth everything's different
There's an emptiness

Oh-oh, I,
I hope you're dancing in the sky
And I hope you're singing in the angels' choir
I hope the angels know what they have
I bet it's so nice up in heaven since you've arrived

Now tell me, what do you do up in heaven?
Are your days filled with love and light?
Is there music? Is there art and invention?
Tell me are you happy? Are you more alive?

'Cause here on earth it feels like everything good is missing since you left
And here on earth everything's different
There's an emptiness

Oh-oh, I,
I hope you're dancing in the sky
And I hope you're singing in the the angels' choir
And I hope the angels know what they have
I bet it's so nice up in heaven since you've arrived
Since you arrived.
 
 
I hope this helps someone.  You are not alone. I feel that way too.
 
Be Blessed, 


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